For many of us who suffer from substance use disorder, everyday can start to feel the same when in active addiction. Like the movie Groundhog Day, where Phil Connors (Bill Murray) relives the same day over and over again, each day started to feel identical when I was drinking.
While the circumstances of each day may have changed, my behavior, thinking and drinking was always the same. That’s because my alcohol addiction caught me in a vicious cycle — I would wake up hungover, drag myself through the day, inevitably binge drink and then pass out. Then I’d do it all over again the next day.
Not only did it become monotonous, it was also painfully exhausting. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to pull a hungover body of bed each morning knowing I would have to suffer through the day with hangxiety, fatigue and sometimes nausea.
Since I was always hungover, what got me through each excruciating day was the idea of drinking because I knew it would make me feel better. So while I labeled my drinking “relaxing after work” or “having fun,” I was actually self medicating. And because I’m an alcoholic, once I start, I can’t stop.
This behavior continued for eons, making everyday feel the same. I couldn’t be present for anything because I was either trapped in my anxious, hungover mind, drunk or blacked-out. As my alcoholism progressed, I became more isolated. I seldom left the house (unless alcohol was involved and I wasn’t too hungover) and that’s when the daily “rinse and repeat” repetition got really torturous. So, just like Phil in the movie, everyday was painfully the same and I couldn’t get out of it.
It wasn’t until I got into recovery that I saw how each day was a carbon copy of the previous day because my life revolved entirely around alcohol. But as Phil’s altruism eventually breaks the curse, getting sober broke mine and no one day has been the same since.
Laura is co-creator and writer at The Wagon. She’s written for Newsday, ran a marathon and fallen off bar stools. At 2+ years sober, she currently lives on Long Island, NY with her husband and little dog.
